On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
