this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
