I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
