3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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