Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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