He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize