i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
50% drunk capacity currently
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
