we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
