Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
