so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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