My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize