She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
