I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize