Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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