take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
