I'm drive I can fine osifer
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
