I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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