I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
