You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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