I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i was born a porn star she said
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
