I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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