I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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