I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
