dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
