I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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