if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
