There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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