Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Randomize
