You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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