He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
