I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
