My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
