I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
