During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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