Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
