I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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