6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize