Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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