there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
