you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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