did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
