will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
