Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize