direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
