____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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