Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who died my cat blue again?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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