You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
