I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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