we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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