You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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