Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
