But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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