we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
