i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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