see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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