I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
