my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
