It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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