I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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