Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
